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Friday, July 10th, 2009
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8:57 pm - 365 Days until I am a married woman
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I told Tina as soon as we started talking about marriage that I wasn’t willing to get married before my sister in November. This served 2 purposes, it ensured that I didn’t rush into marriage again by forcing us to date for at least 16 months (and that is if we got married right after Laura, which no one in my family can afford…) and I didn’t think it was fair for me to get married twice before my older sister gets married once. Tina took this to mean that she couldn’t propose until after Laura’s wedding- I didn’t know that until after I proposed to her. Some time near the end of school, I got it in my head that I was going to propose to Tina before she proposed to me. Being in a all female relationship we don’t have the usual gender stereotypes to guide us and even though Tina is more masculine, we are both still all women, leaving us free to decide to do whatever we wish. Of course, the down side to that is we don’t have any gendered guidelines to give us hand on what to do or say. So I winged it!
In May, Tina and Sarah went to see the new Start Trek movie. Now I had NO desire to see this move, but afterwards we were going to go to see X-men Wolverine and I did want to go see that. So I told the ladies that I would tag along but not go see the first movie, instead I would do Gathering paperwork. It was the perfect cover. I did go and have a little lunch and do a little work, but mostly I went to the Spence Diamonds located a block away from the movie theatre and directly next to where our car was parked. I was really impressed with the service that I got. When I told the sales lady that I was looking to propose to my girlfriend, she simply started asking me what I wanted in a ring. I gave her my requests- price range, size, general style, etc and she started bringing me to a bunch of different rings. She responded well to my comments like, “That is a little too feminine,” and would bring me to different styles. Eventually she brought me to the display counter where the rings have actual diamonds in them and pulled out a ring for me to look at. It was perfect. Best of all, it was ready to go and I could just pay for it and take it away. The lady at the cash and I had a good laugh as I put $100 on this credit card and $200 on that one, etc until I covered the whole cost. Some of it was even purchased with cash!
I finished my purchase nervously glancing at the car, worried that I had taken too long and that Tina would see me walking out of the store. Luckily the movie let out just after I arrived at the car. I had just enough time to make sure everything was sufficiently shoved in my backpack before the girls arrived. I was beaming with excitement but luckily Tina and Sarah were so excited from how AWESOME the move was, they didn’t notice my state of being.
About 45 minutes later, the panic set in. What the hell was I doing? We barely know one another. What if this was a big mistake? What if my friends were just being polite around her and they really thought that Tina was horrible and I was so blinded that I couldn’t see it…it wouldn’t be the first time. I was a wreck, I had to call someone. I slipped out of the theatre to the hall and started dialing. Eventually I reached a friend who ensured me that they did in fact like Tina. Panic over, now I was just excited again. That evening I slipped the ring in my underwear drawer waiting for the perfect moment to propose.
I wasn’t sure how I wanted to do it. I though maybe a nice dinner at The Keg or while we sat at the Sea Wall would be a good time. I ran scenario after scenario over in my head trying to figure out the moment that would make Tina happiest.
I had 45 days to propose and still be able to bring back the ring if Tina didn’t like it. This gave me a concrete date to make sure I got it done. Tina and I decided to go camping and the night before we left I thought that I would take the ring with me just in case. It took 24 hours before I had the opportunity to go digging for the ring and stash it in my purse without Tina seeing. Luckily that opportunity arrived moments before we left.
Saturday was a great afternoon. We lounged at the beach and read kids books in the sun. We ate fruit and chips and yummy sandwiches. Late in the afternoon we decided it was time to get out of the sun and head back to camp. I was hanging out towels and bathing suits on the clothes line when Tina comments, “You are going to make a wonderful wife!” It was the perfect moment.
I walked to the trunk of the car telling Tina that I bought something for her and not to worry, if she didn’t like it we can exchange it for another. I then asked her to sit at the picnic table, knelt, and asked, “Tina Johnston, will you marry me?” Her response was pretty much a squeak and the biggest smile you ever saw. I took that to be a yes.
Once the shock wore off, Tina realized that we were camping and had no cell phone reception. She couldn’t tell anyone for 24 hours! I expected her to tell every stranger we passed because she was so excited. But she didn’t tell anyone until she got to tell people she cared about. Now she tells everyone she sees, flashing her ring for every waitress, cashier, or sales clerk we see.
It took us about 2 weeks to tell people. We wanted to make sure that family and our closest friends found out in person rather than a Facebook status change. For the most part the reactions were positive. The exception was when we told Tina’s family.
We went to the Island to visit. Conveniently it was Tina’s brother’s birthday so the whole family gathered for dinner. Tina made sure it was okay with her brother if she made an announcement and he was fine with it. Shortly before dinner everyone just happened to be in the same room. Tina stopped everyone and said that she wanted to make an announcement. Right afterwards, Ross (Tina’s brother in law) began waking out of the room. Tina stopped him and he says “I can hear from here” So Tina tells everyone we are getting married. Tina’s sister literally tripped over her husband as she rushed out of the room mumbling some excuse about having to check on dinner. It was such an abrupt reaction that everyone just stood still for a minute not saying anything. Suddenly the rest of the family realized that they hadn’t actually reacted to our announcement. They gave us hugs and congratulated us. That night at dinner, Ross and I had some heated discussion about some topics that had nothing to do with religion or sexuality, but helped relieve some of the hostility that we were feeling towards each other. Luckily (is that even the right word) Ross and I disagree on so many different things that it was easy for us to find a topic to argue peacefully about.
The next day we all went to the part to watch one of Tina’s nephews in a baseball tournament. I was completely ignored by Tina’s sister and her husband and consequently by all their children as well. It was awkward and horrible. I think I liked it better when they were being a little confrontational. Anyone who knows me (and certain specifics of my dating past) knows that I really hate being treated by someone like they don’t know who I am and that we have no history. The weekend ended with Tina and me both crying. Tina’s brother and father both came and gave me hugs as I cried hidden from the games so the kids wouldn’t see. They both told me that I was loved. It meant a lot to me.
Tina and I had made plans to meet one of her good friends after the game and before going home. Fen is wonderful and it was great to end our stressful weekend with her and her boyfriend. They were super excited to hear we are getting married. So rather than leaving the island in tears, we left laughing and a little drunk off the fish bowl margaritas.
Some time has passed now and we have moved from the “telling everyone” stage to the “making plans” stage. We are thinking of having the Unitarians do the actual ceremony. We have picked the date- July 10, 2010. We have decided who will be in the wedding party and hope to be done asking everyone by the end of the weekend. The colours are purple and silver. Rather than having the bride’s side and the groom’s side, we are having a Butch side and Fem side. Tina wants me to do the garter thing but I don’t want to…clearly some things are still in negotiations. Lol.
We are excited. We both catch each other looking at our rings. I am using one of the spreadsheet programs from school to organize the whole affair and it will be wonderful.
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| Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
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11:57 pm - Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to present to you ED, the University Graduate
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I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The presentation went really well and we totally rocked the paper. My instructor informed us that we had passed the class (even without having marked the remaining 25% of our grade so we are expecting a B or B+) and he will see us at the convocation ceremony. What a relief. It is sad that I still have 2 Thursdays left of my elective but I will go and enjoy the knowledge for knowledge's sake.
Yesterday consisted of the final presentation and then the three of us drank mead, wine, and bacardi breezers while eating steak. That was followed by drunken shopping at toys r us and walmart with Tina. Tina then took me out for a nice dinner at Earls. It took a couple of hours for the enormity of what had just happened to really set in. I have been a student for 6 years. It really doesn't seem that long but it has been. When I was overwhelmed by school and thinking fondly of the freeness of my past I would think of how I couldn't wait to finish school so I could go back to that life. But now that I am done school, I don't want it. The life I want is so supremely different that it is leaving me a little spinny. Some of this change is due to the simple fact that I am 6 years older now but some of it is directly linked to my education and my change in priorities.
But for now I am just going to enjoy the extra time and get some sleep. I am going to spend some time with the loved ones I missed so much and I will worry about figuring out what to do about the rest later.
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| Monday, March 30th, 2009
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12:28 am - ED'S Official Countdown to Graduation
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2 days until the final project is due
9 days until the final presentation
19 days until the final exam of my elective
Not much sleep happening the next 2 days but then I am done the big hump!!!
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| Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
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4:50 am - Let the Official Countdown Begin!
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So I am finally at a place where I can start a count down. When your class only has 3 papers and no exams and 2 of the papers are due right near the end it is a pretty lame countdown if you start at the beginning. My countdown at mid-semester would have still had 2 papers to it. So in the name of being excited about the end and my confidence that this time I will pass and be able to move on, I give you:
ED'S Official Countdown to Graduation
9 days until the final project is due
16 days until the final presentation
26 days until the final exam of my elective
So right now I am counting down until milestone #1. Really this is the biggie anyways as this is the project that is going to take the most amount of effort, time, and mind power. We have been working on this project since the first week of January and it will be very satisfying to hand it in. A week later we present the findings from our project to a panel of instructors which is a very daunting task indeed. After that, I am pretty much done. i will be done the ENTR program and all that I will have remaining will be in regards to my elective.
I am really enjoying my psycology class and I really enjoy how easy and low stress it is. There are 3 multiple choice exams that equal 90% of the grade and a paper that is worth 10%. I informed my instructor that I would not be writing the paper as my time commitments to my primary program just do not leave enough room for me to write her paper. I told her that I was taking her class bacuse the subject facinated me and I really enjoyed the other class I took with her. She thanked me for coming to her before the fact and said that we will re-address the situation on the last day of class. The last day (April 9- 2 days after my presentation) is when the paper is due. I have a feeling she is going to tell me to bring it to the final exam. It is only a 6 page paper so I am sure I can do it in an afternoon but I was really looking forward to not bothering. I may still not bother, we will see.
So the end is in sight. I can almost feel the relief of the weight lifting off my sholders. My head is spinning with all the wonderful things I will do with my free time.
16 days to freedom...
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| Sunday, March 8th, 2009
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8:52 pm - Do you know where?
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Does anybody know a place where one can get ground almond in large quantities? I am trying to find it for my project and I have done some pretty extensive googling and I haven't found anything local yet.
I am desperately trying to remember the name of the company that delivered food to the KFC. I think they did Burger King too and I know we used to use them when the Gathering cooked for ourselves- does anyone know the name of the company?
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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6:17 pm - The Semester that Won't End
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We are about half way done. My program doesn't have helpful milestones like Mid-Terms to help you judge the time, but we are about half way there. I wouldn't think it possible but I actually think this semester has been harder than the last. Last semester I had reached a level of such extreme stress that I was on auto pilot. This semester I am having a lot of trouble buckling down and getting stuff done. I am lethargic and having trouble waking up every day. I think one of the main differences is I know what I am missing, and what I am missing is good. Last semester if I didn't have school to distract me, I would have had work, loneliness, and a dying father- not much to miss. Every day that I do not have to go to class or work, I wake up with an absolute hatred for the fact that I can't just stay at home and enjoy Tina's company.
I seem to be able to only concentrate for an hour at a time. Then I have to do something else for a while, and then back to the paper. This is making the writing of my papers take FOREVER. But I just can't seem to concentrate.
On a good note, my group and I are kicking scholastic butt!!! We have received a 68%(high for practicum) and an 87% (crazy high for practicum) and stand a chance of being the top team of the class. We have done the math to see how badly we can fuck up and still pass the class and it is looking pretty good for us. Our unique plan to work with a team effort towards all projects with higher expectations for each of us in our strengths and lower expectations in our weaknesses really seems to be paying off for us.
Okay, I guess that is enough procrastinating for now. I should get back to my paper...
(pst...anyone know where my focus went? I seem to have lost it somewhere when I wasn't looking....)
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| Friday, January 30th, 2009
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4:59 pm - A little update for those who are wondering
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School is the usual yo yo. My group-mates are driving me a little crazy and I am sure they feel the same way about me, but the quality of the papers we are producing is really good. We got back our first proposal and we had the second highest grade in the class and our project was approved with no conditions. That was a really exciting moment for us and there was a lot of happy dancing in the hallway after that meeting!!! We handed in our second proposal yesterday and we should know a week from Monday if our project was approved and what grade we got on our proposal. Once approved, you can expect my meat pushing to increase ten-fold ; )
So one month is done and my relationship with Tina is still in tact... We had a really stressful day yesterday with both of us being stressed out and I completely lost my shit! I was crying and screaming and I punched the kitty litter bag. It pretty much sucked and I have a nice bruise on my right hand to remind me of my complete meltdown. After the meltdown, I brushed myself off and headed to school. When I got home from school, Tina and I went for a walk to Tims for a doughnut and some re-bonding time. To be clear, Tina and I did not fight in the morning, I was have a school related meltdown, and Tina had apartment stresses to deal with, but after such a bad day, we needed and evening of just being with each other. We capped off the evening with a movie and snuggles and lots of "I love you"s. Each time I cry, I tell her to expect more- the semester isn't over yet.
I have been spending a lot of time in coffee shops with wireless access this past month, I have my favorites now and at the top of my list is the waves on Broadway near Toys are Us. It is the biggest shop so I am pretty much guaranteed a power outlet, the wireless works everywhere in the cafe, and almost everyone inside is a student working. The music is quieter and on a Friday or Saturday night there are no drunks being loud- or at least not in my experience so far.!!! And let us not forget that they make the BEST mint tea with chocolate. It is sad that I have this much experience in coffee shops in Vancouver especially since I do not drink coffee. I am looking forward to the spring/summer where the only time I will have to go into one of those places is if Tina needs a pick-me-up.
I started a new medication for my Bits, and it is working quite well. The side effects are pretty bad but it is worth it to be able to sit on a wooden chair. (especially considering the previous paragraph) The basic purpose of the drug is to dry you out, and it doesn't discriminate- it has dried out my skin on my face really badly, my lips, my eyes,and my scalp. The skin on the rest of my body is dryer but not as bad as the other places, but most importantly it has begun to dry out the cysts with some of them virtually gone. I have to drink a lot of water, apply occasional drops to my eyes, use a lot of medicated lip balm, and moisturize like crazy just to stay comfortable. But like I said, it is worth it. i will be on this drug for a total of 16 weeks. Unfortunately this level of dryness requires that I carry all these moisturizers and liquids with me at all times and yesterday a bottle of cream exploded in my back pack. Yesterday was a bad day! So today I bought myself a new back pack and am starting fresh- new day, new back pack, no meltdowns for at least a week...
So there's the update, I am underslept, overworked, and tired of groupwork and coffee houses...nothing you all haven't heard before but this time I will pass and we can all go on with our BBA ENTR free lives. aaaaahhhhhh......
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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12:36 am - Buy ED's Meat!!!
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So I am selling organic meat from February 11th until approximately March 11th. There will be three delivery dates for this fabulous meat- Feb 21, March 7, and March 21. You know you want to buy some! The meat is locally grown and certified organic. Orders over $150 get free delivery but it is only $5 to get it delivered if you place a small order. Why not get together with some friends and place an order together?
So buy my meat! If you have any questions or to place an order, leave a comment or email me at superedb@yahoo.com.
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| Sunday, January 11th, 2009
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7:43 pm - Poll for School, Please respond
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So my group has solved the charity debate by creating an entirely new project. We are looking to sell organic meat. We have acquired a really good price from our potential supplier as a result of a person contact of the group and we are starting to get excited about the idea. We will be selling the meat for less than stores such as Capers that sell organic meat and your order will be delivered to you. There is chicken and beef options with a total of 6 products(more specifics on that later). So I have put together this little poll to get some feedback from my "network". I know this is little information to go by but please answer to the best of your ability.
Poll #1329477 Where's the Beef?
Open to: Friends, detailed results viewable to: FriendsWould you buy organic meat from me?
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| Thursday, December 4th, 2008
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11:39 pm - Back to work
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I wanted to wait until I had had at least 2 nights of good sleep beofre heading back to work. I had begun to sleep better so it was just a matter of shifting my schedule the couple of hours earlier for work. Monday and Tuesday I did not go to work but I got up fairly early with the alarm. Tuesday night I decided that I would go to work on Wednesday. I had thought that Wednesday would be a good day to go back as it was exactly one week after I stopped working.
I could not sleep tuesday night. I was up until after 5:30am unable to sleep. My alarm went off at 8am and I wanted to kill it. I decided to go to work anyways. I knew that it was my anxiety about going back to work that was causing the insomnia so staying home to sleep was not going to solve anything. I dragged my tired butt out of bed and went to work.
My work day was long and tiring. As I had assumed, the office had gotten a card and collected donations to be given to a children's charity as requested in my fathers final wishes. The card was presented to me privately and I took it to the bathroom where I read its contents and had a little cry. My co-workers all come to my desk to welcome me back and tell me how sorry they were for my loss. It was brutal. I know everyone was meaning well but it just meant that I ended up talking about Dad over and over again and on only about 2 hours of sleep, it was more than I could handle. I ducked off to the bathroom a few times- sometimes to cry, sometimes to wash my face( I find it very grounding to do so), and sometimes just to get away from everyone.
I was sure that after such a long and draining day that I would fall asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I am afraid not. Again I couldn't sleep and it wasn't until long after midnight with the aid of a sleeping pill and a ice pack that I was able to drift off to sleep.The ice pack was to cool my face and neck which I also find very grounding and helps with the nausea that often accompanies such high anxiety in me.
So now I am on day two of work on very little sleep. I have one day left of the week and hopefully I will catch up on the sleep over the weekend. Sadie has started taking Melatonin to help her sleep and it has been working really well for her, it is a natural suplement and not habit forming (the nice way of saying you won't get addicted like other sleeping aids) so I am going to give it a try. Tina is picking it up for me today while I am at work. You take it about an hour before bed. Wish me luck.
So there you have it. Life is moving on. I am back to work; I have a school meeting tonight; and I am looking forward to Christmas. I stand now, feet firmly on the ground on the other side of the fence that was my sick father. I am working on regaining the control over my life that I had lost and am looking forward to being able to enjoy life again.
Yesterday I turned my phone completely off for about 4 hours just because I could.
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| Monday, December 1st, 2008
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1:34 am - Peaceful
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Dad passed on Wednesday at 5:35pm. It was peaceful and he was surrounded by family. He fought for a long time but in his final moments there was no fighting. We were all sitting in his room and Shannon was telling a great story about the girls getting ready for Christmas. It was a happy moment and I am glad for that. I am glad that the last thing Dad heard was that the girls are happy and looking forward to Christmas.
Dad kept his sense of humor to the very end. The nurse asked Dad if he had any pain and he nodded. The nurse asked him where the pain was and he pointed to Mom. Everyone laughed.
That is how I want to remember Dad. Making jokes and flirting until the end.
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| Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
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10:54 pm - In the Hospice
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Dad is in the hospice and nearing the end. He is no longer able to speak but he can still hear us and still understand what we say. When Gord talks about the girls, Dad gets a goofy smile on his face. He knows that we are there and acknowledges us in his way. Mom is holding on strong. The people at the hospice are amazing and taking good care of Mom as well as Dad.
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| Friday, October 31st, 2008
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8:37 pm - Already?
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I applied for my student loan today for my last semester. It seems like school just ended and I am getting ready to register already. Sheesh. But my application for loan is in and I will register sometime after Novemeber 12 and then Jan 5th I am back to the grind for 4 months.
I am already trying to get myself into the head space a little- Starting to think about things I need to do for the project and what not. I will pass this time dammit! My honour must be restored!
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| Monday, October 6th, 2008
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11:06 pm - HELP!!!!
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The person who was going to take my sofa backed out and I still haven't found anybody to take the bed. I was hoping to sell the bed but I have reached the point of desperate and will give it away to any one who wants it. Before I get bombarded by suggestions yes I know about Craigs list. I have also called- Big Brothers, Value Village, Canadian Diabetes Association, SHARE,Salvation army, and My Sister's Closet but none of them will take a hide-a-bed or a bed (one charity informed me that this was because of the possibility of bugs)1-800-GOT-JUNK will take it away for $100-200 but then it will most likely be recycled and I would hate to have to pay to get it removed and then no one use it. I will be willing to work with anyone to make arrangements to deliver to their homes if they will actually use the furniture.
I need to get this stuff out of my place by the 15th and would really prefer it not to get junked as it is perfectly usable furniture.
If anyone can help me out please let me know ASAP as the clock is ticking and I have to make the decision soon to pay to get rid on it.
Thanks in advance
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| Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
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8:04 pm - The Good, The Bad, and The Scary
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The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. But unlike my rollercoasters of the recent past, this coaster is actually hitting some good emotions.
Things with Tina are going well. We are settling into a comfortable routine and it is sad to think that this routine will be shattered in January when I return to school. But in the mean time there is lots of cuddling and affection; lots of socializing with friends; lots of being goofy and just enjoying the company of one another; and let us not leave out the lots of wonderful sex! My goal is to have the move done before the end of the long weekend. Tina is going away with her parents October 8-15th and so I will be doing moving stuff every night until it is done. If anyone can help move stuff please let me know.
This past weekend was really hard on me. Not only did I have to deal with the dreaded AGM (which went quite smooth- all things considered) but my Dad had a turn for the worse and John got hurt. over the years I have grown to think of all of the Mainers as family and since working with John on the Board I have gotten to know him a lot better. When I heard he was in the hospital it was like hearing my brother was in the hospital. I was greatful for the chance to go visit him and hopefully brighten up his day a little. I know it made me feel a lot better to go see him and to see that dispite it all, he was in pretty good spirits.
Dad is on narcotics for the pain now. I had a half hour conversation with him on Saturday and after hanging up the phone, I couldn't move. I sat on a stool in the Blendz frozen with grief. It was hard to hear my dad ramble while high on pain killers and for the first time since being diagnosed, my father admitted to suffering.
Time is moving steadily forward and my life is filled with both tragedy and bliss. I am trying to focus on the good while giving myself permission to grieve the sad. All will be settled in the not too distant future and life will go on. I am greatful for the life that waits for me at the end of this particular journey.
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| Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
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10:17 pm - it's official
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I have keys, my tooth brush is here and so are the boys. Tina and I are living together! I am slowly moving into Tina's place on 5th ave. Craziness!!!
We still have a lot of stuff to move over and what not but the essentials are here.
this brief update brought to you by a very tired ED.
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| Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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1:17 am - It's raining! It's pouring!...
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In my spare room.
There is a leak in my spare room (formerly my bed room)and it is causing quite a mess. There were a few casualties because the leak was going for a couple of hours before I got home. The carpets will need to be cleaned after the piping replaced. Apparently there was a major leak in the bathroom earlier today that pretty much flooded it.
It is time for me to move.
This place has been good to me. I have been here for 5 years and it was a great place to live as a student. But this is the second leak to happen in that room, the electrical isn't done yet, and there has been three separate leaks in my suite since Friday. Tina and I are going to get together tomorrow after dinner and seriously talk about getting a place together. We had already started talking about getting a place after I finished school but I am not willing to stay here for another 8 months with the way things are going and I would prefer to only move once rather than move now and then again in the spring.
And so begins the horrible act that is house hunting. I hate it with a passion. But both Tina and I have respectable jobs and reasonable incomes so we should look pretty good on paper. I am going to talk to Mike and see if he has another property that is perhaps a little younger that will not cause the same problems. Mike was a great land lord and I would love to keep him, but this suite needs to be a part of the past that I am putting behind me; part of my horrible "student years". It is now time to progress to my adult years with an adult home...with closets...
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2008
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12:46 am - School, Tina, Babies, bits, and more...
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So August is almost over and the new life that I was expecting in September is not really going to arrive. My life will no doubt be different than the life of my recent past but it is not the life I was daydreaming for either. It is a strange hodge podge of them both.
I am beginning to settle into my new life but I have this strange “I am forgetting something” feeling all the time. Part of me wishes that the class I failed was offered in September because then I could just get it over with but as it stands I will be returning to school in January to retake Practicum and to take the second half of introduction to psychology. This course load will allow me to retain my full time student status and all the benefits that come with it. I will be working as a casual for the RCMP as I finish my degree. We are hopeful that I will still be able to bridge into full-time permanent work in May. Even if the class was offered in September, I was planning on taking the semester off to get myself financially stable before going back for one last hurrah. This semester off will give me a chance to rejuvenate as well as giving my relationship with Tina the chance to form a bond strong enough to survive a semester of the Kwantlen BBA.
It has been a little over a week since I found out that I failed Practicum and my brain has been reeling a lot during that time. I had so many set plans for the next year and so much has changed. Failing a class, meeting Tina…how do these effect my plans?...especially the baby plan? I can’t imagine having to push that plan up another 8 months after I have already been to the clinic, had tests done, and had my heart set on becoming a mother in 2009. So then I had to ask myself what about school? Can I do my classes while pregnant? How would the morning sickness, hormonal changes, tiredness, etc that comes from the first trimester effect my ability to do the class? More importantly how will the stress of school affect the baby?
I have no intention of trying to conceive between January and April. The emotional rollercoaster of conception is too crazy to have while at school but what if I conceive before classes start? Could being pregnant while taking 2 classes be any more stressful than what I went through last semester? I don’t know of course because I have never been a pregnant student, though I have gone to school with a few.
As I see it, I can not put my life on hold for 4 months as I wait to take a class, it will drive me crazy. So my current plan it so keep working on loosing the weight, have my fertility ritual in September as planned and make an appointment with the fertility clinic to talk about the next step. I will talk to my doctor about the effects of pregnancy on stress and vice versa and together we will decide when my first conception date will be. One step at a time.
Then of course there is the added element of me not being single anymore. I love that Tina is excited about the baby plan and that the mere mention of it didn’t scare her away but I never actually planned on having a partner during the conception phase of this process and that makes a huge difference. Decisions are no longer mine to make alone. We have talked a bit about the plan but as it is such a new relationship I have tried to keep the heavy talk to a minimum. “ Hi welcome to my world, I come with lots of baggage, my dad is dying, my family is a mess, I am having an identity crisis, I plan on having a baby this year…nice to meet you!” But Tina seems to be taking it all really well and in my usual relationship speed, we are already talking future even though we have only been together a couple of weeks. I am sure that some time soon we will have a good sit down and hash it all out. (Especially since she will be reading this post…) I will do my best to remain open to what she has to say and remember that if we plan on doing this together it becomes an “our baby” and not a “my baby”. Wow, I can’t believe I just wrote that.
I am recovering pretty well from the surgery. The doctor sent a culture of the infection to a lab for testing and I will be discussing the results and what not on Friday with the skin specialist and next Tuesday with the surgeon. Hopefully we will be able to have a better idea of what is going on down there. Clearly the anti-biotics that I was taking have lost there effectiveness and new treatment will be necessary as I have to be off the drugs and infection free before conception. I really envy women who can get pregnant by the simple act of not using birth control and continuing an active sex life.
Things are good. Tina is amazing. I am anxious to move on in life. My father is still hanging on. I like my sister’s partner. School is the Devil. My baby plan is altered but in tact. My bits are a still sore but healing. I ate too much pizza this week.
So there you go, I little hint of what has going through my mind lately.
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| Saturday, August 16th, 2008
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12:02 am - To All Who Missed The Gathering
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I would like to thank you. It was a great sacrifice that was made on your part so that my luck could change. Without a doubt, my luck changed with that rock slide.
I'll be honest, I didn't want to go to the Gathering this year. I was too stressed out, over committed, and knew that I would resent the fact that I had to hide in a corner and do homework. Days before the slide, I was on the phone with Joy crying about how much I didn't want to go this year and how I just wished school could be over and I could move on in life.
Then the slide hit and I was relieved. It didn't take long for me to see that trying to hold onto the event this year was unlikely and with each report of the state of the area, the more secure I felt that the event was going to be cancelled. I was relieved but to busy to really feel it as the board figured out what to do.
The long weekend was far more restful than it would have been at Evans Lake. And I got to go to Pride which turns out was a life changing experience- I just didn't know it at the time.
As people began to voice their disappointment that the event was cancelled, I began to feel guilty. This was silly of course because it is impossible that I actually caused the rock slide, nor was it my sole decision to cancel the event. And yet I felt a terrible guilt because I wasn't sad that the event was cancelled. I was relieved.
Fast forward to this week.
This has been a life altering week.
This has been an AMAZING week.
On Monday I wrote my last exam of my BBA. Elaine and I went out to celebrate the milestone. After getting home, I collected up all the courage I possessed, laughed at myself for acting so junior-high, and emailed Tina. On Tuesday she contacted me back and we went for coffee. "Sure I have time for a coffee," I think, “and then I will go home and finish my last paper for school..." Good plan in theory except Tina and I hung out for many hours and then I got about an hour of unfocussed work done before bed.
Wednesday Tina brought me a light dinner after work so that I could concentrate on my paper rather than cook dinner (isn't she a sweetie) and I was able to get my paper pretty much done by 10:30. Tina came over shortly after and left at three in the morning. I am completely smitten- and luckily for me it seems to be a mutual feeling. Brace yourselves everyone... I have a GIRLFRIEND!!! Yup you read that right. No longer the token single person- I have joined the club of coupledom...
Thursday I took the morning off of work to make sure that my paper was as good as it could be, and then dropped it off at school. It was such an amazing feeling to hand in that final paper. I can only hope that it is the last paper that I will have to write for this program. Grades have not started coming in yet and so I still wait...Later in the evening it was my turn to go over to Tina's place. I left at about 1 in the morning.
It has been a long and eventful week. So many important things have happened and it is impossible for me to express just how important these events have been for me. My mind is spinning from it all.
I have decided that my run of bad luck stopped with that rock slide. Once again I thank everyone who's lives were inconvenienced by that event- from the people living on the other side of the slide, to the people who cleared the rocks, to the people who's lives still required them to make the trip from Vancouver to Squamish and beyond, and to all my friends who mourned the loss of this year's Gathering.
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| Sunday, August 3rd, 2008
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9:41 pm - My first ever Pride
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I woke up this morning anxious to get to my first Pride Parade. I changed clothes repeatedly, the only constant being my rainbow socks. I finally set on a short bright orange skirt and a black tank top. I waited for the call or text message letting me know where and when to meet but the message never came so I headed out alone. As I walked to the parade I text messaged and phoned a few people who I thought may be at the event so I could meet up with them.
As I walked towards the parade route, I started to feel lonely and sad; an awkward creature between the world she knew and the one she is entering. I got to the route and walked all down one side not meeting anyone I knew but as I began the treck back on the other side I bumped into Deb who I know from the Gathering. I sat with her for a bit and chatted waiting for the parade to start. Then I heard from Sarah that she was there and less than a block away and yet I wasn't able to find her.lol. So in the end I watched the parade alone. I bumped into a gentleman that I met through a school project but otherwise I knew no one around me. I recognized a few people in the parade from my kink days.
After the parade, Elaine met up with me and we hung out around all the tents, etc. This is when I started to feel more comfortable being there. Comfort in numbers I suppose. As we rounded the stage to watch the cute red head perform, we bumped into Sarah and her friend. We spent a nice evening watching the bad performers and then we went to the Memphis Blues on the Drive and ate way to much. I keep on forgetting Sarah's friend's name ( I know it started with a T) but it was really nice to meet her. So far a lot of the ladies I have been meeting have left me wanting, but Sarah's friend seemed really nice and grounded and sane.
I am looking forward to being done school and having a social life again. Between the Tea Party, hanging out at Trout Lake, and Pride I have had a great weekend. I am feeling a lot less stressed. I was able to go three days without thinking about Dad. I am rejuvenated (at least a bit) and a little more optimistic about finishing school.
In the end I did enjoy Pride and I am sure I would have enjoyed it much more if I were in a relationship. I am open to the idea that in future years the Gathering may be skipped for Pride. Probably not as frequently as every second year or anything, but occasionally.
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